Underwater Photography. Or Something Like It.

So you wanna do underwater photography do you?  There are three ways to do this.

The right way.

The lame way.

The On The Fly way.

The Right Way

Rent an underwater camera.  A good one.  Or rent an underwater housing for your good camera.  Use underwater lights.  Have girls in bikini’s for models.  Preferably cute girls.  Better yet – Unicorn Butter Women.

The Lame Way

Photoshop.

The On The Fly Way

I am Night Owl.

Phase One. Get a $40 5 Mpixel point and shoot camera designed to shoot underwater.  Camera, photographer and model (an old guy in a speedo) get inside a small indoor swimming pool on a cloudy day.  Discover that while the camera is definitely waterproof the images are dark and murky.  Need more light.

Blame model.  Have the model move to a different location in the 10×12 foot pool.

 

 

 

Phase Two. Set up two 1000 watt constant lights directed at the pool.  Discover that this doesn’t help much.

Probably has his eyes closed.

Blame model.  Have the model move to a different location in the 10×12 foot pool.

 

High-tech professional lighting system.

Phase Three. Obviously the lights need to be directly over the pool shining down into the water.  Put the light stands on stools.  Weigh them down with bags of wood shavings.  Extend the 1000 watt lights over the surface of the water.  Get in the water.  If the lights fall into the water you die.  So what.  This is photography.  Man up or go home.  Discover that this doesn’t help the image quality at all.

Blame model.  Have the model move to a different location in the 10×12 foot pool.

 

Look Mom! No pants!

Phase Four. It must be the camera.  Take crappy but somewhat better 10 Mpixel point and shoot camera, place it in an underwater camera housing (aka zip lock bag).  Get in the pool.  With the 1000 Watt Lights Of Death hanging over it.  Go underwater.  Take photos.  Photos still suck.  Can’t be the photographer.  Might be the model.  Probably the camera.

Blame the lights.

But first . . . Blame model.  Have the model move to a different location.

I intended to cut off half his face.

Phase Five. Move the lights farther out over the water in a different location.  Images still crap.  Blame the camera.

What the hell.  Blame model.  Tell the model to move to a different location.

Stop to check Twitter feed.  Get two tweets from super-cute mega-adorable girl.  Can now die happy if the 1000 Watt Lights Of Death come calling.

I think it's broken.

Phase Six. Put Canon EOS 20D in underwater camera housing (aka zip lock bag).  Get photographer, model and camera in the water under the 1000 Watt Lights Of Death.  Images . . . still look like crap.  Can’t be the photographer.  Blame model.  Get 20D wet.  Kill camera.  Or more specifically kill the lens.  Blame model.  Photographer is perfect.

But first . . .

Tell the model he is in the wrong place in the pool.  Again.  Why can’t models get it right?

 

 

So close. So very close.

Phase Seven. Sun comes out.  Pool illuminated through windows.  Turn on 1000 Watt Lights Of Death.  Tell model to get in the pool.  Photographer stays outside of pool safe from electrocution with Canon EOS 7D and shoots down at the model under the water.  Reflections on pool interfere.  Model can’t hold a pose underwater (how hard can that be) and keeps making waves.  Get good images anyway because you are too stupid to admit defeat.

The pictures that aren’t good are because the model was making too many waves going underwater.

And was in the wrong place.

Again.

 

On The Fly is more than an image.  On The Fly is an experience. Sometimes a near-death experience.